Finding a Jug to Pour my Heart into

Loneliness can be a deceptive thing. It can bite you when you are home alone for hours; it can kick you when you are in metro; or it can hit you suddenly when you are sitting in a big fat wedding and you realise you would rather be home alone for hours. But when it happens, it is a strange strangling feeling. Sadness makes you cry and laughter makes you sad. But you suddenly long for a company, a company which can be the perfect audience to the bizarre drama unfolding inside you.

When something like this happens it makes me see myself sitting on the periphery of a big bang party. At the centre, you can see merry people are singing and merry people are dancing. No one realises you are sitting in the corner looking at them. But you notice other people around you. Reasons maybe myriad but one thing is common to all – the darkness.

I have been denied what others take for granted – the light. But the absence of it has ignited a sympathy for have-nots. Just hope bright flashy lights don’t blind me of the unfortunate reality I have seen with my naked eyes.

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Published in: on 1 Aug '11 at 1 am  Leave a Comment  

Retrospection is funny!

I always like this vague idea of keeping my audience so interested, they will be coming back for more. And only once in my life this was coming out to be true. But I am the destructor of my own fortune (the more people are close to me, greater is the probability they have told me this, at least once).

Actually I saw my post, *DiNG*. I thought it would be a summary of my life. But it was a one post wonder, wonder in the sense I do wonder – whenever I see that post I wonder what I was thinking when I wrote it. But then I finally nailed today what my initial motto was – it was just to be a open journal of sort. And ironically, it is. A blank piece of paper lying around like a step child which no one cares about, whether it cries or hoots. Just like my future. Nothing is written in stone, clay or sand. Heck, I don’t even try to write my future in water. I just can’t follow a deadline. Forget about creating one.

Another motivation for this fault-finding mission is a just concluded (an hour ago) phone call with my friend. She asked me what backtracking meant in the shortest path algo. Don’t bother with details, it’s just that tomorrow is our exam so this talk makes sense. And I asked, what? what is backtracking? When she asked what I was doing, I told her I was checking Quora. Heck, this was a golden opportunity to try out the site. She wanted an answer, a thoughtful and well meaning answer that too in a short time – exactly what Quora is pitching itself as. Not exactly, but it is what people want it to do. But she refused to explain the question to me. And simply asked me if I had already done… some chapter… (I don’t remember the name). The thing is, I had not even heard of it. She tried to tell me it was a little like calculus, and I was sincerely confused. Calculus in discrete maths (the paper I’m going to sit in tomorrow)? And I have forgot it an hour later. What’s the probability I’ll be doing it? A big fat Zero.

And that is the problem with everything in my life – full of promise but half baked (I sound like Google). Actually I have done half the syllabus, and will be doing it later in the night, just don’t ask when (my future is a blank paper, don’t be a Ghajini now). But it’s just that I don’t feel like shooting for the moon. It needs effort and Discrete Mathematics is not the thing that I want to waste my time for, however much I like sets and relations. Facebook isn’t it either, nor is it Quora for that matter. It is another distant dream, which I feel will take over the world. It takes effort but it is in nature to keep my calm and swim with the flow. Maybe it is an excuse, but the thing is, I am not exactly pursuing the strategy of following my dreams.

And that’s exactly why I started a new series of ‘Live like you’re Dying’ – where I’ll explore things I always wanted to do. And how I’ll get about doing them. Just hope it doesn’t go down the path of those DOA *DiNG*s. Because it is one thing I actually want to happen… :)

Published in: on 5 Jan '11 at 8 pm  Comments (2)  

2011: Future brings some Flashbacks of the Past

2011 has arrived. How time passes! Next month I’ll be 18 years. People get shockingly surprised when they learn I am not yet 18 coz I have a bushy face. Needs constant grooming. Moreover, the problem is I’m quite lazy. So, I practically do nothing like trimming and eventually, my stubble gives way to a creepy looking weed. And I still don’t bother. I actually get irritated when people torture me with all the remarks. And I can’t fail to exclaim when I remember there was a time when, as I child, I craved for even a single trace of hair on my face.

When I was a small toddler, I used to see my seniors. I must be in 3rd-4th class. 12th seemed so far away like it would never ever come. Like school was all I got. And here I am about to complete my first semester in college. School seems like past now where college seemed to be a foggy future back then. When I entered 5th class it seemed like it took me forever reaching that milestone. And suddenly the next 7 years were a blur. Time used to stand still in the childhood days. But now it flies. When they say people are more fast paced now, I gaze accusingly at the clock. I cannot prove it but clock does run faster now.

I have always been a little eccentric personality. When children used to play and dance, I used to think about writing a diary so that I could capture these moments for the future (it doesn’t help that I’m a pathetic dancer). There was a period in between when I used to sit on the terrace in the night, alone, watching all the stars and the clouds drifting by and the moon playing hide-n-seek between them. I used to go round and round just to get that giddy feeling in the head. I used to…

Well, that time is gone and buried. I now sit all day long in front of a glowing screen, scrolling up and down a single page hundreds of times that has been central to my social life lately. However much I try to break away from Facebook, its long and slender tentacles lull me in a dreamy sleep where each of my status garners hundreds of likes. I guess I should try something new, like regularly updating this blog, or actually start studying. Or learn a new language. I recently tangentially met a girl who knows German. Sign language is also one of my goals.

This year has already been quite eventful for me. I found my wallet (had lost it last month). I revamped my blog. Main exams are going to start day after tomorrow. My plate is full. My appetite is larger than ever. Makes for a nice battle. Let’s see what the future holds for me.

Published in: on 2 Jan '11 at 3 pm  Comments (4)  

Am I lucky enough to eat fruits of my (misdirected) labour?

I have known since eternity, I am not certainly a person who can nourish a plant and watch it grow patiently, however much I want. I basically add water, add manure, give shade and fan the seed for a day. Next day I see sprouts. Hey! I run  excitedly to people around me, who look at me back coolly, ‘What?’ I then jump up and down to make them see my new soon-to-be tree. They see disinterested (every crowd behaves eerily the same). I am a little hurt (0k… maybe a little more). Can’t they people see?! It’s a brand new tree! I make a resolve. Not to talk to those people again. They will see the seedling grow into a big, bad tree. And when I’ll be basking in the glory (and shade) of that tree, they will feel jealous they didn’t listen.

I come back to my seed. Oh no! I forgot the water. I run and get the water, the food… but wait shade is not that important. First let me update an FB status how my plant is growing. After a few days of work, I grow restless. Can’t this plant grow faster? But no, this takes time, I reason. But manure is needed now. Which particular brand should I use? And the quantity? I refer to net, experienced people…. whichever source of information I get my hands on. And it mostly is Wikipedia. Now everyone knows how evil that site is. It is a jumbled forest. No one knows why did they enter the forest in the first place. I somehow start discovering why Big Bang is rejected by some cosmologists. In the end, I am tired. And I go to bed. My tree is hungry. There is a guilt. But I’ll make up for it the next day.

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Published in: on 1 Jan '11 at 3 am  Comments (2)  

Diary of a… Diary

Wed, 17 Nov ’10
19:39

Dear Diary (that’s me!),

I was discovered when people started scribbling on caves. Historians have got it all wrong; the cavemen didn’t do those paintings for future generations. They did those paintings for their record. That’s why they were in caves so no one could see them. Duh!Since then, people share with me their deepest secrets. i loved to be the secretkeeper. But it has become a burden for me. So much so that I have to maintain my own diary so I myself don’t go insane.

Moreover, they irritate me with their so-called literature! Excellent works were done 200-300 years back. Since then writing habits have deteriorated to the point that I just have to close my eyes shut and my ears shut but their sights pierce my eyes and their voices pierce my ears; they are actually so much boring. Earlier it was more poetic and euphemistic; nowadays they just need a pen but no brain: just blabber on and on – expletives included – thinking no one will ever gonna read it. I’m reading it, you fool! Put a little more effort. Even they themselves read it again.

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Published in: on 21 Nov '10 at 11 pm  Comments (4)  

it’s my freshers tommorow!!

My blogs typically have been virtual diaries for me. If ever I lie in them, I have a guilt that haunts me for weeks. So, I have decided to be truthful and not say anything that is far from truth. That is, this blog will represent the frame of my mind at ‘that’ particular instant. More like a text-based camera. And I’m still in the search of the real me. Stumbling, facing or running away from life – each opens up a new aspect of me. And all thanks to FB, I like to share it all.

Well, today is a rather important as well as controversial topic. My Freshers. Now it is important because it has occupied my mind since like, the last couple of days? and controversial because even if a single person from my college gets to read it, I’m dead. Literally. Can only hope my readers keep this info with themselves only. *Fingers crossed*

Let’s start from the scratch. Before college, to me freshers was an important part of our college welcome. And I was mentally preparing how to get talking to my seniors. Since I am reserve by nature, I actually made elaborate plans in my mind how to overcome this inertia and how to get talking to random strangers, just like that.

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Published in: on 20 Sep '10 at 7 pm  Comments (2)