Who am I?

Who am I? Now I am not trying to be philosophical and facing existential questions of Life right now. I’m just trying to categorize myself into one of the groups we classify ourselves into. I’ve seen ever-smiling people, egoistic folks, charming, hot, utterly foolish and what not! But… who am I?

I try to see myself as a goody angel who only showered happiness and whose departure would be become a National Mourning Day. But then some thing or the other happens and I am forced to see the dark side of my soul.

Most people don’t know about all these complex things and live in the dark for the rest of their life. I’m not one of them. I early in my life was encouraged to raise questions. Now I raise too many questions so that my life has become restless. For example, why do people wear dark shades when suffering from eye flu? Why do the life around us mirrors the computer programs we develop? Do people really not have a conscience? Will I ever get rid of my FB addiction? How do people know God is (or conversely, not) there? Questions, questions everywhere, not a soul to quiz… alas!

I raised such a question to me yesterday. Who am I? I don’t sound serious to me coz I enter the forbidden areas in malls and don’t give a damn how people percieve me or my puking-ly ugly hair. I also don’t take matters lightly coz I remember exactly who turned me off. And I get irritated easily, too in your face. But, suddenly I want to be invisible and like to be alone. At other times, I can’t even sleep alone.

God (as I said… if He/She exists) knows. But all I know my life is a big question mark. A life full of contradictions. Though I’m no palmist, my hand is full of criss-cross like someone played a game of tic-tac-toe on it… and it further strengths this unfortunate belief.

One thing I find consistent is I don’t know how to smile. I have learned how to exclaim and how to put up faces. But smile? It takes effort. Too little too late is what actually happens. Even if I want to laugh, I can’t do it openly. Don’t know why. I am weak at socialising. And those glowing white teeth – mine are a little bit yellowish –  are the golden rule to everything social. Though, I’ve no qualms in showing off my not-so-beautiful set of teeth, some part of me prohibits me from laughing genuinely. I feel a little unprotected at that time. And also the feeling of not being reciprocated with same effect generates images of horror in me.

Most of it is fiction, I know. No one minds a warm persona. But I really  have to move over this consciousness and be more open. And also, I’ll continue to solve more of these small problems. Maybe in the process I get to tackle the Big Question of mine.

Published in: on 3 Oct '10 at 5 pm  Leave a Comment  

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